Tribute to My Mother

Feb 2^nd, 2012

Last night I found out that my mother, Marylee, died this morning at the Adventist Hospital in Puerto Princesea, Philippines (little time zone humor there).

I was comforted in knowing that she was released from this discomfort of her body and confusion of her mind. Even a little relieved that she was in PH, where a few days hospital visit is probably a third of the cost of the US.   

She passed on the day after her 69^th birthday. Her caring, funny, brash nurse, Cindy, was with her at the end. A few days prior Cindy had taken Mom to the hospital because she wasn’t coughing up phlegm from a cold. The doctors kept her and placed her in ICU to monitor her because of her other diseases. She died from diabetic acidosis, description on http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/diabeticacidosis.htm. Basically her diabetes could no longer handle her all of her meds.

I knew that when Mom went to live in PH about 7 years ago she had 5-10 years left. She was on lithium to control her bipolar disorder for about 10 years when I was growing up. Lithium is great for the bipolar brain, but takes a toll on the liver and kidneys.

She came into the world two months premature in the 1943. Mawise told me the story many times how the doctor didn’t believe her when she said she was in labor and therefore Mom was delivered by my grandfather in their North Hollywood home. Wisely he left the umbilical cord attached. At the hospital they kept my Mom in the linen closet since she hadn’t been born in the sterile hospital environment. My mom is referred to as baby M in a medical journal somewhere. A Scottish Doctor was in California doing research on the percentage of oxygen given to premature infants. Many were ending up blind and deaf from being given a higher percentage of oxygen. I knew that since she came into this world early she would depart from it a little early as well.

She spent the last 7 years living a stress free life, as my Uncle Tom would say. In the Philippines she was away from the cold winters of Colorado that she didn’t like. She was happy and needed away from the memories of losing her parents in Nov 2002/ Jan 2003. In Palawan they would often go out to one of Cindy’s family farms when the weather was nice and there weren’t too many brown outs (black outs) so in the summer season. Mom was able to walk the grounds and there were always little children around to be entertaining and sometimes rub her feet.  

She did return to Colorado annually the first few years she was in PH, but then her visits became less frequent. When she did come to the states a highlight was visiting Cindy’s daughter, Gigi, and her growing family on a reservation in AZ near the four corners area. Mom very much enjoyed being around Cindy’s grandchildren. Gigi’s husband, Josh, a missionary pastor baptized Mom again during one of her visits.

Twice I visited my mother in PH. Christmastime 2005 and for Mother’s Day 2010. Both trips I saw how well Cindy took care of my mother and why Mom enjoyed the beautiful place with its warm people. Cindy took Mom off of most of her anti-depressants because she didn’t need them any more she was no longer haunted by the memories of Fort Collins and she had the excitement to new friends that created a new family for her. On my first trip there I got word that my great-aunt Virginia passed away, she had spent time in the Philippines when she was in the Navy. We are a family of extensive travelers.

My question now is how do I, a life-after-loss coach, cope having a new grief in my life? I may hire a mentor to help me through. But because of the transformation I have experience in my life in the past two years in coming to coaching and receiving training for becoming a coach and being coach. I am in a much different place than I was the last time a family member died, my aunt Karen about two years. I was actually with my cousin Amber and her kids when I got the news that Mom had actually passed away. Amber had already lost both of her parents by the age of 27. She is the perfect person to understand what it is like to be under the age of 35 with no parents left.

Over the last year it occurred to me that in many ways I lost my mother a long time ago. I didn’t have the adult parent/child relationship which many of you probably have with your parents. If I was lucky the visits were 1-2 years apart. And hopefully I would be able to talk to her briefly on the phone every other month. There were times that I didn’t talk to her or Cindy for 4-5 months. She was no longer an active person in my life. Someone that I occasionally worried about I was relieved that she was happy over there and I didn’t have to visit her in a nursing home every few weeks. Which would have been the reality had she stayed in Fort Collins. Truth be told I feel bad for her caregiver Cindy, they were with each other every day for the last decade.

The last chat I had with Mom was in December. I was surprised how long she stayed on the phone usually I didn’t talk to her for more than 5 mins. But we chatted for a while and she asked about people in my life and I told her about our family and my new fella. She told me how X-mas presents were going to be open at New Years because of the rains.

I guess that is the tribute I wanted to give my mom right now. I will post more and pictures as I continue on my journey of healing.

I am very thankful that this is the first death that I don’t have to endure on my own, Don, is a wonderful understanding man who recently has experience a few familial loses. We played rummy last night it was the fun I need. And as always I have supportive friends and family.

Refelection on 2011/ Achievements for 2012

It is that time of year that we all take stock on the past month and year.

When being asked, 'how was your Christmas?' This Christmas season has been the first one in a long time that I can say 'it was WONDERFUL.'

I don't think I realized or I didn't believe how being in love can make several different parts of life better.

Considering the losses in my life the holidays always make me moody and grouchy and somewhat annoying for my friends to be around me.

I remember a few weeks ago when my boyfriend and I were driving around looking at neighborhood X-mas lights. I warned him that the holidays sometimes have a negative effect on me. But upon my current reflection I only had one time that I really got ratty with him and it was directed towards his phone and he didn't react to me, but simply and nicely pointed out my overreaction the next day.

I found that creating new traditions for myself and my guy is what helped me survive X-mas. Making sure that we shared Christmas Eve just the two of us. Having lunch as the big meal, then getting dressed up and going to church in the afternoon and ending the day with driving around seeing the lights.

After answering some questions from another coach's newsletter I realized how far I have come. I encourage you to take the questions and do your own reflection to see where you have been and where you hope to be. I think that this process goes beyond silly resolutions that desire to be broken.

Here is some of my realizations.

The Last Reflection of 2011

by Ligia M. Houben

• How was your life journey in 2011?

 Like an amusement park. Some rides are like roller coasters. Just got off of one durning the first part of the relationship with my boyfriend.

Other ones are like a slow Ferris wheel. Looking down from a far on to the place I want to be life I desire then as the basket gets closer and that life becomes a reality rather than an unattainable dream I find my self challenged to adapt. Like walking straight after getting off of the Tilt-a-whirl.

But over all it has been exhilarating, busy, at times frustrating (always $$ and time management to get done all that I want). All around things have been very happy. The occasional depression that affected me durning much of my 20's is very rare and I am better able to combat it.

• What did you accomplish?

 75% of my ICA coaching program. Enrolling for the 10kin90days business/ getting clients side of coaching. Seeing 4 people transformed through my coaching them.

Being happy and mature in a well rounded serious relationship for about 2.5 months.

Being at my UNC job for over 1 year, plan on remaining there for another 1-2 years while building my coaching business.

Maintaining a fitness regime. Desire to be more disciplined about the food to get off the current weight plateau I am on. Just living and staying in one place for over a year is an accomplishment for me.

• What do you regret that you didn’t accomplish?

 Finishing my program in one year. Will take 1½ years. But good cause more time to concentrate on my papers.

• What stopped you?

 One potential client flaked out after a few sessions. But it was ok cause now I can hopefully work on my papers and take time to do them right. Also need to do my business plan and figure out how to attend the ICF London conference in October 2012. A there are growing necessities for the business.

• What could you have done to make it happen?

 Managed my time better and work harder to not be distracted from the work that I need to do for ICA and coaching. Doing things even when I don't have the motivation to do them, just sitting down and doing them provides me momentum. The relationship is a blessing but it and daydreaming about the future is time consuming and at times a strain on my fiances.

• What did you learn from this?

 As I develop in to my own boss I will have to come up with ways to manage my time and maximize the time I have for certain activities. Just this past week I have had a BAD habit of futzing around doing whatever all morning long and then getting down to the coaching stuff LATE in the afternoon when my motivation is limited by time.

• What do you want to accomplish in 2012?

 -Graduating ICA, make contact with several groups in the area to talk about the grief process and what coaching has available for them. Be in a local paper as a human interest story. Acquire clients goal is to have 3-5 clients in a part time capacity to get to the point were I have a waiting list. Have a monthly newsletter I send out via e-mail. And a publication that I produce preferably an article that I can put in other publications. A podcast series of at least 5 talks and adding to the podcast at least every 2 months.

Create more income for myself and my future.

**Creating products that I can sell and generate their own income, workbooks with supported CD recordings.

-Continuing to grow closer in my relationship. I am seeking out podcast and ways to deepen our relationship so we have a good foundation. One that I listened to the other day was Building Healthy Relationships with Rick Feldkamp, he made me think.

-Maintain my friendship and family relationship and time to myself while being in the relationship. Seems like we are very comfortable in giving the other time to spend away from each other maintaining those other relationships.

-Maintain and amp up fitness regime and eating healthier. Loose 30lbs and maintain.

-Find affective useful ways of stress relief especially at work and driving. Regular MEDITATION.

-Become more effective at maintaining balance in all parts of my life and reasonably having time to accomplish what I need to do.

-Establishing times and places that I don't look at work e-mail or work on coaching things. Exception quick notes about ideas.

-Limiting time fantasizing/ planning wedding.

-Spiritually- joining a church small group. Continue reading the Bible about 4-6 times a week.

• What is the first step you can take now to make it happen?

-Having a stricter time maintenance, increase MEDITATIONS a must. Finding stress relieving activities.

-Replacing one meal a day with salad or turkey sandwich.

-Staying in Greeley every other week to do what needs to be done for ICA and coaching business.

-Contacting grief support groups in the area to speak for free to them.

-Being open to the advice of other couples.

I am excited to answer these questions next January and see how my life has transformed.

Wishing all of you out there blessings and achievements for 2012.

Obervations on Dating after 30

About a month ago I 'reconnected' with a guy I went to high school with online. He actually took me homecoming one year. In our conversations this past weekend he and I made some interesting observations I feel comfortable to share with you out there. Also we meet one of his friends also from HS for drinks one night and his friends dating situation also added interesting thoughts.

Mind you I don't feel like any of my thoughts aren't new or earth shattering but new perspective is brought because of my personal connection to these situations. Two things bug me about dating online. I still get the notifications from the website so many guys simply check out my profile and passively click the 'like to meet' button. Dude, 'if you are really THAT interested' take 30 sec pick out something in my profile to make a comment on and send me a message. (No, the guy I'm dating didn't do that he sent me a 'remember me from high school...' message).  Part of this might be laziness, they really aren't that interested or fear of rejection.

My other pet-peeve is the amount of information that is often shared via online. The set up make you click on relationships vs. dating to weed the serious people from the hook-up types. And other invasive questions like income, desire for family, religion etc. I believe it is strange to know these details before the first date many of which aren't even 'proper' 3rd date topics. What fun is the first date if there is that much pressure on the future? I know that there are certain things that are nice to know going in. But if the profile doesn't meet a person's perfect mate list and they don't make the cut can the potential couple me missing out on a opportunity for dating and possibly more.

'My fella' (very cautious to write that since we might still be a few weeks away from having one of the more important conversations). His profile was very honest he wants what many people our age wants a family. 5-10 years ago you can causally date someone and since the clock hasn't started really ticking and even though the couple is interested in each other they may not yet be viewing the person across the table as a potential spouse and potential parent to one's future offspring. The analogy my fella used this weekend was that both of us have our own gas and brake (right now we are driving completely separate cars). If he pushes on either too fast it might scare me away and lurch the car in an unintended direction. And if the lines of communication aren't properly open or the person revels 'deal-breaker.' You might find your self once again driving down the singles road all alone. I believe that maturity and past 'baggage' hopefully teaches all of us a better way to be with the next person across the table.

This weekend when he told me he wanted me to come to his mother's Christmas party, I was relieved when I told him I already had another X-mas party to go to that afternoon in December (which was the truth). That was a little too much on the gas petal for me. In efforts of trying to move somewhat slow and trying not to end up breaking my heart and his if things don't work out.  I don't want to get his families hopes up either. And I told him I might be willing to meet his sister sometime soon. But wait to meet the family for a little while. 

In my exciting and sharing with mostly woman my hopes/reservations for this connection. One woman reminded me that, 'in order to fall in love one has to allow themselves to open up to being hurt.' Which is scary and true.  Which goes along with the fear of letting go of the well known single roles one has had for years for me being and independent woman, good friend, aunt type. To possibly struggling to learn the new roles of girlfriend...

He was happy that when we went out his friend and me where catching up and he just sat back and listened. I asked his friend what is dating situation was, my fella was happy cause he hadn't heard much of an update. Which makes me wonder why guys sometimes are scared to ask their close friends/family what they really want to know but won't ask. Our friend recently started spending time with a young lady, at 20 yrs old can't be referred to as woman, still values her parents opinions on her life. And there is resistance to her dating our friend who is over 30 yrs old. In our conversation on the way from our hometown to the (lesser) town we are living, my observations weren't so much about her chronological age or even her emotional age. But her desires for her life in the next few years. If what most of us hope happens when we start to date someone marriage and such. My question was does this younger girl desire to be focusing on her education and career in the next 5 years or starting her family. Since we are quickly approaching the age of being older parents. I think that anyone that says that men don't have a ticking biological clock isn't realizing that men that want to be fathers want to be able to keep up and enjoy their kids as much as their partners before the major aches and pains set in.  Even if physically they can pull a Charlie Chaplin and have children in their 60's and 70's.

This summer with my searching and discovering access to podcast, interviews, books and such on relationships coaching. A few concepts for the beginning of the dating came more relevant recently.  Honesty openness about preferences and pet peeves are better shared with at the start opposed to later when they have turned into things that you can't stand about the person. And a big challenge for most waiting until other parts of the relationship have been established before entering into a physical relationship about 3 months. The later suggestion was made when Orna and Matthew Walters hosted at Love on Purpose Series and interviewed Marni Battista and Nicole Johnson. 

That concludes a few of my realizations and my shift in perspective on dating/relationships. Sending best hopes and prayers out there for my readers in what ever stage of attachment you find yourself in and that you are constantly seeking new ways to make sure your relationship is more fulfilling all around.

Where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

I had a surprise encounter with my former Pilates instructor last night.  Totally kismet I wouldn't have spontaneously meet up with her if I hadn't decided to unexpectedly go and get some frozen yogurt in Fort Collins before heading back to Greeley.


She had her two sons with her, a 3 yrs old and a 10 months old. Being a mother of two young children her attention was often diverted from our conversation while making sure that her energetic toddler was in her sight. She turned to me and stated, 'it is wonderful having children but so tiring.' I have heard this many times from many mothers, especially those of young children. 

When I was driving home I had an elated sense. Motherhood is a craving that occasionally comes over me. Over the last year I knew of about 9 women who had babies. I definitely felt outside of the club wondering if motherhood is something that I ever will have the opportunity to experience.


The interesting thing that I noticed in my drive home was gratitude for the place I my life that I find myself. Free no children interrupting my thoughts, no husband to check with before I go places. How my time is my own.  I'm not neglecting anyone by focusing on my clients or school work.  And how grateful I am to be making this transformation in my life into the new career of life coaching, which comes with it the challenge of returning to school. And how much easier it is for me to accomplish this new part of my life while I have the freedom of a single person. It was a wonderful feeling that came over me to be satisfied with exactly where I am with my life.

This poor attempt at poetry a direct result of a brief annoyance with a co-worker and watching 'Bright Star' about John Keats and his love. I will admit the feelings brought about were a bit of back sliding to my previous harmonious state, but that is to be expected on a path of self-development. 

‘What is this social disease of singleness?

Ridicule, teasing, disguised by wishfulness of a time gone by for those bound to another. 

A threat for not bending to the world view of the ‘most important thing.’

I possess love in other ways the love of a friend, the love of a fun aunt, love of family.

Sometimes the love of a listening ear to a new acquaintance or roommate.

Are these loves diluted less important?

If I had romantic love I fear they would fall by the wayside. And they have been there for me always why should I trade them in.

I know they feed into my soul in ways a lover could not.

Why trade? For a chance and happiness and an equal chance at heartache, or a very least moments of discontent.

I wonder if I seem desperate cause I don’t feel that way.

Am I something of fiction a woman content enjoying the freedom of being single (after 30).

For the singleness may not last for much longer.’

New Appreciation

As I was riding my bike to work last week I realize how much less depressed I have been lately. I think there are several contributing factors. For a long while I simply just accepted the depression as a constant battle that I had something that would ebb and flow in and out of my life. Even now I do occasionally fear its return someday.

I attribute my better mood to God leading me in to the path of coaching. Diving more into the coaching process learning about it, being coached, and coaching others. I think this has given me tools to help me process stressors in my life more effectively. I am comfortable in my singleness.  I don’t feel lonely anymore and I have a confidence that God will bring a partner into my life soon, but when the time is right. Working with a relationship coach and reading ‘Fearless Loving’ by Rhonda Britten there are several activities that have increased me confidence and caused imagine that being in a relationship.

I think the meditation and exercise and losing weight and feeling better and more energy in my body has also increased my outlook. I have noticed just in the recent weeks that I am a bit calmer at work. I snap at my co-workers less, I take criticism easier. There a still little complaints but they are pretty minor and don’t stress me out too much. Maybe that is because the semester is so close to the end.

Another one of my greatest accomplishments has been keeping a budget. It has not been easy but I haven’t had any overdraft fees since December, which I consider a great accomplishment. Allotting myself cash to use through out the month for different things has really helped. And not going out to eat and reducing my clothes shopping. Really thinking about purchases and what I need before buying.

Overall I am very happy with the changes and shifts in perspective I have made in my life, and had a positive outlook on my future. It is an energizing place to be.

Wanting what you wish for...

Just a quick observation before I fall asleep.  I think too often we are vague with our wishes into the universe or even our prayers to God. 'I want...' And then we get what we were wishing for and it doesn't look ANYTHING similar to our expectation we are very disappointed maybe even angry. The question that I pose is what if when wishing or praying we be very specif. 

Often being granted what we wished for and is sometimes aggravating or a complete dud (if it comes to us at all).  This has happened in the past to me when I prayed for a job. But didn't say exactly what I needed to be happy at work. Or  recently a friend of mine got a dog, he as unaware of maybe some of the behavior issues the dog had prior to it's adoption. Now the money has been invested and the dog has become attached to the family. But if perhaps when putting out the desire to have a dog he could have considered the attributes that he would want in a pet.

Now that I think about it this concept actually worked for me concerning my current job. I put out the desire for job where there is respect within the kitchen, and that had benefits the bonus that I have is PTO. 

I am trying to better understand and implement the 'Law of Attraction' into my own life.