Obervations on Dating after 30

About a month ago I 'reconnected' with a guy I went to high school with online. He actually took me homecoming one year. In our conversations this past weekend he and I made some interesting observations I feel comfortable to share with you out there. Also we meet one of his friends also from HS for drinks one night and his friends dating situation also added interesting thoughts.

Mind you I don't feel like any of my thoughts aren't new or earth shattering but new perspective is brought because of my personal connection to these situations. Two things bug me about dating online. I still get the notifications from the website so many guys simply check out my profile and passively click the 'like to meet' button. Dude, 'if you are really THAT interested' take 30 sec pick out something in my profile to make a comment on and send me a message. (No, the guy I'm dating didn't do that he sent me a 'remember me from high school...' message).  Part of this might be laziness, they really aren't that interested or fear of rejection.

My other pet-peeve is the amount of information that is often shared via online. The set up make you click on relationships vs. dating to weed the serious people from the hook-up types. And other invasive questions like income, desire for family, religion etc. I believe it is strange to know these details before the first date many of which aren't even 'proper' 3rd date topics. What fun is the first date if there is that much pressure on the future? I know that there are certain things that are nice to know going in. But if the profile doesn't meet a person's perfect mate list and they don't make the cut can the potential couple me missing out on a opportunity for dating and possibly more.

'My fella' (very cautious to write that since we might still be a few weeks away from having one of the more important conversations). His profile was very honest he wants what many people our age wants a family. 5-10 years ago you can causally date someone and since the clock hasn't started really ticking and even though the couple is interested in each other they may not yet be viewing the person across the table as a potential spouse and potential parent to one's future offspring. The analogy my fella used this weekend was that both of us have our own gas and brake (right now we are driving completely separate cars). If he pushes on either too fast it might scare me away and lurch the car in an unintended direction. And if the lines of communication aren't properly open or the person revels 'deal-breaker.' You might find your self once again driving down the singles road all alone. I believe that maturity and past 'baggage' hopefully teaches all of us a better way to be with the next person across the table.

This weekend when he told me he wanted me to come to his mother's Christmas party, I was relieved when I told him I already had another X-mas party to go to that afternoon in December (which was the truth). That was a little too much on the gas petal for me. In efforts of trying to move somewhat slow and trying not to end up breaking my heart and his if things don't work out.  I don't want to get his families hopes up either. And I told him I might be willing to meet his sister sometime soon. But wait to meet the family for a little while. 

In my exciting and sharing with mostly woman my hopes/reservations for this connection. One woman reminded me that, 'in order to fall in love one has to allow themselves to open up to being hurt.' Which is scary and true.  Which goes along with the fear of letting go of the well known single roles one has had for years for me being and independent woman, good friend, aunt type. To possibly struggling to learn the new roles of girlfriend...

He was happy that when we went out his friend and me where catching up and he just sat back and listened. I asked his friend what is dating situation was, my fella was happy cause he hadn't heard much of an update. Which makes me wonder why guys sometimes are scared to ask their close friends/family what they really want to know but won't ask. Our friend recently started spending time with a young lady, at 20 yrs old can't be referred to as woman, still values her parents opinions on her life. And there is resistance to her dating our friend who is over 30 yrs old. In our conversation on the way from our hometown to the (lesser) town we are living, my observations weren't so much about her chronological age or even her emotional age. But her desires for her life in the next few years. If what most of us hope happens when we start to date someone marriage and such. My question was does this younger girl desire to be focusing on her education and career in the next 5 years or starting her family. Since we are quickly approaching the age of being older parents. I think that anyone that says that men don't have a ticking biological clock isn't realizing that men that want to be fathers want to be able to keep up and enjoy their kids as much as their partners before the major aches and pains set in.  Even if physically they can pull a Charlie Chaplin and have children in their 60's and 70's.

This summer with my searching and discovering access to podcast, interviews, books and such on relationships coaching. A few concepts for the beginning of the dating came more relevant recently.  Honesty openness about preferences and pet peeves are better shared with at the start opposed to later when they have turned into things that you can't stand about the person. And a big challenge for most waiting until other parts of the relationship have been established before entering into a physical relationship about 3 months. The later suggestion was made when Orna and Matthew Walters hosted at Love on Purpose Series and interviewed Marni Battista and Nicole Johnson. 

That concludes a few of my realizations and my shift in perspective on dating/relationships. Sending best hopes and prayers out there for my readers in what ever stage of attachment you find yourself in and that you are constantly seeking new ways to make sure your relationship is more fulfilling all around.

Where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

I had a surprise encounter with my former Pilates instructor last night.  Totally kismet I wouldn't have spontaneously meet up with her if I hadn't decided to unexpectedly go and get some frozen yogurt in Fort Collins before heading back to Greeley.


She had her two sons with her, a 3 yrs old and a 10 months old. Being a mother of two young children her attention was often diverted from our conversation while making sure that her energetic toddler was in her sight. She turned to me and stated, 'it is wonderful having children but so tiring.' I have heard this many times from many mothers, especially those of young children. 

When I was driving home I had an elated sense. Motherhood is a craving that occasionally comes over me. Over the last year I knew of about 9 women who had babies. I definitely felt outside of the club wondering if motherhood is something that I ever will have the opportunity to experience.


The interesting thing that I noticed in my drive home was gratitude for the place I my life that I find myself. Free no children interrupting my thoughts, no husband to check with before I go places. How my time is my own.  I'm not neglecting anyone by focusing on my clients or school work.  And how grateful I am to be making this transformation in my life into the new career of life coaching, which comes with it the challenge of returning to school. And how much easier it is for me to accomplish this new part of my life while I have the freedom of a single person. It was a wonderful feeling that came over me to be satisfied with exactly where I am with my life.

This poor attempt at poetry a direct result of a brief annoyance with a co-worker and watching 'Bright Star' about John Keats and his love. I will admit the feelings brought about were a bit of back sliding to my previous harmonious state, but that is to be expected on a path of self-development. 

‘What is this social disease of singleness?

Ridicule, teasing, disguised by wishfulness of a time gone by for those bound to another. 

A threat for not bending to the world view of the ‘most important thing.’

I possess love in other ways the love of a friend, the love of a fun aunt, love of family.

Sometimes the love of a listening ear to a new acquaintance or roommate.

Are these loves diluted less important?

If I had romantic love I fear they would fall by the wayside. And they have been there for me always why should I trade them in.

I know they feed into my soul in ways a lover could not.

Why trade? For a chance and happiness and an equal chance at heartache, or a very least moments of discontent.

I wonder if I seem desperate cause I don’t feel that way.

Am I something of fiction a woman content enjoying the freedom of being single (after 30).

For the singleness may not last for much longer.’

New Appreciation

As I was riding my bike to work last week I realize how much less depressed I have been lately. I think there are several contributing factors. For a long while I simply just accepted the depression as a constant battle that I had something that would ebb and flow in and out of my life. Even now I do occasionally fear its return someday.

I attribute my better mood to God leading me in to the path of coaching. Diving more into the coaching process learning about it, being coached, and coaching others. I think this has given me tools to help me process stressors in my life more effectively. I am comfortable in my singleness.  I don’t feel lonely anymore and I have a confidence that God will bring a partner into my life soon, but when the time is right. Working with a relationship coach and reading ‘Fearless Loving’ by Rhonda Britten there are several activities that have increased me confidence and caused imagine that being in a relationship.

I think the meditation and exercise and losing weight and feeling better and more energy in my body has also increased my outlook. I have noticed just in the recent weeks that I am a bit calmer at work. I snap at my co-workers less, I take criticism easier. There a still little complaints but they are pretty minor and don’t stress me out too much. Maybe that is because the semester is so close to the end.

Another one of my greatest accomplishments has been keeping a budget. It has not been easy but I haven’t had any overdraft fees since December, which I consider a great accomplishment. Allotting myself cash to use through out the month for different things has really helped. And not going out to eat and reducing my clothes shopping. Really thinking about purchases and what I need before buying.

Overall I am very happy with the changes and shifts in perspective I have made in my life, and had a positive outlook on my future. It is an energizing place to be.

Wanting what you wish for...

Just a quick observation before I fall asleep.  I think too often we are vague with our wishes into the universe or even our prayers to God. 'I want...' And then we get what we were wishing for and it doesn't look ANYTHING similar to our expectation we are very disappointed maybe even angry. The question that I pose is what if when wishing or praying we be very specif. 

Often being granted what we wished for and is sometimes aggravating or a complete dud (if it comes to us at all).  This has happened in the past to me when I prayed for a job. But didn't say exactly what I needed to be happy at work. Or  recently a friend of mine got a dog, he as unaware of maybe some of the behavior issues the dog had prior to it's adoption. Now the money has been invested and the dog has become attached to the family. But if perhaps when putting out the desire to have a dog he could have considered the attributes that he would want in a pet.

Now that I think about it this concept actually worked for me concerning my current job. I put out the desire for job where there is respect within the kitchen, and that had benefits the bonus that I have is PTO. 

I am trying to better understand and implement the 'Law of Attraction' into my own life.

Getting Clients Relection

My thoughts a few days after my 'Getting Clients' module (class):

This class kind of gave me new vigor in what I really need to do to get clients in the short term to complete my course objectives and in the long term for my business. I speaking with my friend this evening I mentioned that I am continually realizing that there many people in my area that I am connected with who could become potential clients. When driving this week a business name came to me. There are many people that I know that can help me on the more technical and legal aspects.

At first when I started classes I really like learning the theories. And kind of thought that I needed to complete all my classes before doing the scary thing and commenced coaching and even scary to have the idea of my own business (even though that is my goal from the start). Now with my ICA training and my coach and my desire to grow, listen to blogs and gain confidence. I feel like I have renewed energy to truly pursue all that I need to make a successful business. And I feel as sense of calm knowing that ICA will help me with the speed bumps along the way and knowing that I am developing my own skills to cope with challenges in a new way.

Even today at work even though don’t have my 30 sec elevator speech perfected. I was able to answer precisely my co-workers ‘so what is the difference between coaching and counseling?’

Now as I almost fall asleep at my computer I wish for the spinny thing in Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban) that allowed the wearer to repeat an hour or two in the day. Maybe then I could get done all that I want to accomplish. Hoping all is well with you and yours, till next time. 

Tired of hiding in FB

 Finally this morning I had enough of trying to hide the truth in FB. I wanted to not be friends with my current co-workers but I did. Then I didn’t want to put anything on my profile/bio about the life coaching thing. A ICA graduate Tabitha friended me and I said, ‘f**k it.’  I wasn’t going to be friends will ICA people but this is ridiculous not use something as huge as fb for all the potential it brings to my networking. Just because I am scared that my current supervisor might find out and so what if she does. Striving to sublimate my income isn’t something she can criticize me for especially when she knows what I make. And that I don’t live in a dual income household.  And I despite my frustration over my finances, I take responsibility for choosing my current career. For weeks I have felt like 2 different people. The cook and the coach student and frustrated that I can’t share with my co-workers my excitement over my coach training. Sure I shared with a few cause I can’t keep a secret. And ‘No’ I am not going to run in to work and tell my supervisor about my schooling. But if she finds out oh well. Since realistically I will be coaching PT for a few years. I plan on working there for a while.

On fb I took it a step further than just friending fellow coaches. I changed my profile to include ICA and put my blog in my profile. It feels very liberating but at the same time a little scary. But moving past our fears my favorite aspect of coaching.

Reflections on 12 Tips to Tranform Grief and Trive Loss by Tabitha Jayne

While looking around the ICA bulliten board under the topic of Grief Coaching I found Tabitha Jayne. I watched her youtube video and wanted to know some more about her ideas so I requested a copy of her '12 Tips to Tranform Grief and Trive Loss.' I wanted to share with you some of my reflections about her work. If you would like to request a free full copy of the Tips please visit her website at www.tabithajayne.com. 

Tabitha begins, “I  want  to  teach  you  the  same  process  I’ve   followed.    I  want  you  to  transform  your  grief.    I  want  your  life  to  be  better   because  they  lived,  not  worse  because  they  died.    I  want  you  to  live  a   happier,  healthier,  more  meaningful  life  in  tribute  to  your  loved  one  so   that  you  too  can  thrive  loss.”

I know that those that I grieve for want me to live life to the fullest. And in resent years I have really struggled with the memories of them as happy memories from my past, without bring up all of the feelings of sorrow for those people. For much of my adult life I have avoided living in my home town cause of the memories the place holds. Even now I have chose to live about 45 min away and visit regularly. 

‘Stop  doing  all  the  busy   unnecessary  things.  Stress  chemicals  affect  your  concentration  and  can  cause  you  to  feel  more   tired  than  usual.    It  also  makes  it  easier  for  you  to  make  mistakes,’  Tabitha Jayne.

When stressed a work, sometimes brought on my a tough time of the year the holidays.   I get tunnel vision so focused on one task it is hard for me to see what else is going on and hard for me shift my focus to what is important especially at work. 

These past 10 years there have been times of slowing down and times of moving fast. Often I am looking for the next thing/place to move to. My adventures have been a way for me to escape home and those I lost there but also avoid the work that needed to be done. Somehow I always brought my loved ones along with me. Finding comfort in the fact that in death they seemed to travel with me easier. I felt their presence with me real or imagined it gave me great comfort, even though I could no longer call them on the phone.

I remember my trip to New Zealand in 2007. One of the reasons why I had chose to go to New Zealand was in looking over some of my grandparents travel mementos I found that they had gone to Christchurch.  Plus from what I could tell New Zealand was a safe place for a woman to travel on her own. One of my last nights there I was having a nice dinner at this winery on Waiheke Island. As I sat there having my nice meal probably half reading a book as I gazed out into the island darkness. I imagined my grandparents and really my grandmother being there and sharing this time with me. I wondered how different the island nation was when they visited it if they saw similar things that I had seen. As dessert came by a couple perhaps in their 40’s or older invited me to their table. Clearly feeling sorry for me all by myself.  It was nice of them and I think being in a foreign country sometimes people tend to be friendlier around strangers. But strange that they pitied me even though I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself at all. I had just been reflecting on this great trip I got to take. And the freedom I had to do what I wanted to most days with no one else agenda on conflict with my desires.

For whatever reason I have never had a problem with going and doing things on my own, and I even struggle to understand people that say ‘oh I can’t go to a restaurant or movie alone.’  If there is something or place that I really want to experience I won’t wait around for someone else to go and do it. Recently I have started to see the disadvantage of this logic and strive to when I can invite a friend along so that I can share time and my cultural interests with others.

“Contrary  to  popular  belief  there  are  no  stages  of  grief.    Research  shows   instead  that  we  spend  time  moving  back  and  forth  between  a  more   introspective,  emotional,  thinking  about  the  deceased,  looking  at   photographs,  etc  stage  and  an  adapting  to  our  new  life,  redefining  our   roles,  learning  new  skills  and  distracting  ourselves  from  grief  stage.”

A little disappointing I had always enjoyed and found comfort in those ‘stages.’ However 'acceptance' i the 'final stage.' But even after we have accepted a death it doesn't mean that magically we are over it the pain can at times continue for a long time after allowing us to remember and struggle to be free of the sorrow. Every year at the holidays I like to be busy with work or traveling or anything to keep my mind off of wishing for family gatherings with those who are long gone. I simply brace myself for it and try not to be too grouchy or sad to my friends and co-workers. And I know that those 6 weeks will pass quickly and then there is a bright New Year as my reward for getting though those weeks. 

As I am writing this I am realizing how much I want to be free of that attitude. No time of my life or time of year should just be something to cope with and hope it is over quickly. Fortunately I have bout 9 months to alter my no so jolly holiday attitude.

“A  lot  of  our  beliefs  are  actually  invalid  and  make  no  sense.    Whilst  they   make  us  feel  more  comfortable  in  the  world  they  can  sometimes   encourage  use  to  have  a  limited  viewpoint  about  our  life  and  actually  hold   us  back.    This  is  especially  true  about  our  beliefs  on  loss.”

I think sometimes I attach to much value to what those I have lost believed about me the good and the bad. My grandmother’s words about my weight stuck with me a long time.  I blamed much of my weight gain on the losing my father. A cliché as it sounds I was only able to transform my body after I had truly accepted it and even liked it figuring that it was wrong to loathe me who God created. Only after that was I able to change my body in a positive way. I do believe that there are many other things that I have done in my life that would make my grandmother proud of me aside from loosing weight. I have often reminded myself that the memories of our loved ones thoughts and feelings towards us are only as small part of the wisdom and time we spent with them. And any pain they may caused us in their lives was probably unintentional because they were acting out of their own insecurities. I like to imagine that any negative words towards me died with them. 

 

How  can  I  creatively  express  my  loss?  

My photography was a direct result of my loss since I got some of my Dad's photography equipment, mostly I just inherited the bug. And now my new career, I have hopes to make grief coaching one of my niches.  

A word of advice to anyone sorting through family members belongs, don't keep too much. I discovered that 5 years after I had decided to save things from my parents and grandparents homes I just ended up getting rid of half of it. If you find a way to preserve the pictures and memories and stories they will never be gone and they aren't their belongings. Added bonus you will have more storage space.  

I would love to hear from my readers how you have been creative or accomplished things due out of your loss. 

 

 

 

Nothing too creative to start

This evening I decided to review my International Coach Academy (ICA) graduation requirements. And I wish I would have reviewed them about a month ago when I started really delving into my classes. But the blog sounded like fun so I decided to take the plunge. Into the world of allowing whoever should stumble across this site to reading my online journal. 

I don't expect this blog to become famous like the author of 'Julie & Julia.' But I do hope that it will reflect some of the evolution I feel upon embarking on this new career adventure. So please ignore the grammatical errors and visit me on occasion. My greatest ambition for this blog is that in a few months it will attract some paying clients to my coaching business.

Now before bedtime I will share with you a bit about myself. (And decide how many cards I want out on the table).  Somehow I don't really think any of the accomplishments, adventures,  sorrows, and challenges that I have experienced in my life are that original. But when I share them with others the reactions are often, 'oh wow' OR 'I'm sorry.'  I am a Christian, I believe that God has given me blessings and challenges in various forms to guide me along my journey.  My faith works for me in many ways, but don't worry I am not the type of believer that will beat you over the head with my beliefs. Everyone experiences God differently.

Currently I am embarking on a very common thing for someone in their early 30's, a career change.  I will borrow a phrase I heard, I am in the mists of 'the quarter life crisis.' Perhaps several of you can relate 5-10 years out of college and life doesn't look at all like you imagined it. Personally I am tired of being broke living paycheck to paycheck, while most of my friends have retirement plans. And take vacations that aren't funded by inheritance.  Also for a long time I thought 'oh I'm too young to be married.' At 29 I realized I was almost too old not to be married. Still my favorite fridge magnet is, 'I think therefore I am single.' But last year I went through a divinely guided journey in realizing what I want my future to look like. The journey of COACHING as a new way of thinking, a career, and a shift in my attitude is how I am going to get there. I constantly keep in mind that even if change is 3 steps forward and one step back. I try not to focus too much on that one step back the important thing is that we are all stepping in a new direction. (That last sentence proves that I have drank the cool-aid). 

Here is my brief biography. Born in Montana to two slightly unbalanced parents. My Mom took me and moved me down to Northern Colorado when I was 6 yrs old. My grandmother helped raise me in a town that consistently makes the 'top places to live' lists. Typical upbringing of seeing my father for a few weeks in the summer and a week in the winter.  And somehow my outdoorsy, sarcastic humor, and my intellect are attributes of my father.  I attribute my culinary/ baking skills to my dad and my grandmother. Which lead me to my 1st profession. After few years of floundering after getting a B.S. in Psychology in Texas.  I decided to go to culinary school in NYC.  And my financial ability to go was a blessing from my father's estate. 

Occasionally I wonder how different I would be as a person if I hadn't been raised with a bi-polar mother OR if my father hadn't committed suicide when I was 19 yrs old.  His death started a decade of sorrow-filled good-byes to ten family members (on both sides of my family).  Three of those deaths including my father's where like losing parents in terms of the closeness of relationship.  We are taught that death is a part of life, what we aren't taught is how to react to death.  Recently while watching a YouTube video by Tabitah Jayne, she mentions that a lot can be accomplished while in grief.  My grief caused me to want to see the world and have new adventures. But it also caused me to turn inward and guard myself from new experiences especially romantically.  I truly am grateful for the challenges brought about from my un-balance parents and my grandmother for giving me perspective on how to cope. I know if it weren't for them I wouldn't be as empathetic or caring.  I think the other me with 'normal' parents, maybe even a sibling, would have been boring.

Briefly I mentioned my 'crazy' bi-polar mother.  Encouraging her to go live in the Philippines with her nurse seem and easy choice at the time.  Clearing out her house and visiting her in her new life was a new challenge. It has been over 6 years since my Mom has lived almost full time in a foreign country.  I know that it is a blessing because she is naturally happier with her surroundings and less dependent on medication. I also know that her leaving the area was the only way that I could return to live in Northern Colorado (NoCO). I recognize the selfishness of that statement. But it is the reality of being raised as an only child along side as single bi-polar parent. Parent/ child rolls were never that established for us. And oddly recently I have realized how having my mother be far away and her state of mind and body continually declining in a way I have experience loosing another parent.  Even as grown children I think all of us still need a little bit of comfort or parental guidance from time to time.  Chances are more than one reader this can relate to looking to older adults to receive the grown advice/parenting that we need. If our own parents lack in that area or aren't around anymore.

After culinary school in NYC and working there for a bit I returned to CO after about a year and a half of being away.  My advice to anyone who is up for it LEAVE HOME. It is not in everyone's nature to venture to a new place. But you will never fully appreciate where you are from until you leave it and experience new places and people with different mindsets. I have gone to college in TX, culinary school in NYC, worked as an au pair in Connecticut, lived/worked on a cruise ship around the Hawaiian Islands, worked on ranches in Colorado, rode horses on beaches in Ireland and New Zealand, wreck dived in the Philippines, and wandered many city streets including Paris and London.  

I have been a friend for a brief period of a few hours or few months in some of these places. Some friends I have retained for the next chapter and some sadly drifted into memories. However they make some good antidotes to share or an example of a different way to think.  In particular I remember gay friends from the cruise ship. They are who I bring to mind when surrounded by those who limit their friendships only who they feel 'comfortable' around.  We should all challenge our fears of the unknown types of people, places, experiences to expand our world view and see what the universe wants us to really experience. I don't want to discredit the value of having life long friendships. I shared this paraphrase with my 5 friends who I have known since Jr. High (about 2/3 of our lives). An article I came across while sorting out Mom's house mentioned that people tend to life longer if they have had long-term friendships.  I am discovering sometimes via e-mail or facebook postings these amazing women will always be there to defend and support me. So count yourself lucky if you have even one friend you have known most of your life that you speak to or see once a month. Well I must sign-off a short rest before a long day in the kitchens awaits me. I send out a quick prayer, realizing that was a lot of myself to share and I hope it is well received.  

Final thoughts:

"He who knows his destination and heads directly to it while get there quickly.

He who knows his destination but takes the odd wrong turn along the way, will still get there, and be wiser for the experience." -Peter Karsten. I found this quote on a bookmark in New Zealand. 

For the procrastinators like me 'the to-do list would be a lot shorter if I would just do it already.'