About a month ago I 'reconnected' with a guy I went to high school with online. He actually took me homecoming one year. In our conversations this past weekend he and I made some interesting observations I feel comfortable to share with you out there. Also we meet one of his friends also from HS for drinks one night and his friends dating situation also added interesting thoughts.
Mind you I don't feel like any of my thoughts aren't new or earth shattering but new perspective is brought because of my personal connection to these situations. Two things bug me about dating online. I still get the notifications from the website so many guys simply check out my profile and passively click the 'like to meet' button. Dude, 'if you are really THAT interested' take 30 sec pick out something in my profile to make a comment on and send me a message. (No, the guy I'm dating didn't do that he sent me a 'remember me from high school...' message). Part of this might be laziness, they really aren't that interested or fear of rejection.
My other pet-peeve is the amount of information that is often shared via online. The set up make you click on relationships vs. dating to weed the serious people from the hook-up types. And other invasive questions like income, desire for family, religion etc. I believe it is strange to know these details before the first date many of which aren't even 'proper' 3rd date topics. What fun is the first date if there is that much pressure on the future? I know that there are certain things that are nice to know going in. But if the profile doesn't meet a person's perfect mate list and they don't make the cut can the potential couple me missing out on a opportunity for dating and possibly more.
'My fella' (very cautious to write that since we might still be a few weeks away from having one of the more important conversations). His profile was very honest he wants what many people our age wants a family. 5-10 years ago you can causally date someone and since the clock hasn't started really ticking and even though the couple is interested in each other they may not yet be viewing the person across the table as a potential spouse and potential parent to one's future offspring. The analogy my fella used this weekend was that both of us have our own gas and brake (right now we are driving completely separate cars). If he pushes on either too fast it might scare me away and lurch the car in an unintended direction. And if the lines of communication aren't properly open or the person revels 'deal-breaker.' You might find your self once again driving down the singles road all alone. I believe that maturity and past 'baggage' hopefully teaches all of us a better way to be with the next person across the table.
This weekend when he told me he wanted me to come to his mother's Christmas party, I was relieved when I told him I already had another X-mas party to go to that afternoon in December (which was the truth). That was a little too much on the gas petal for me. In efforts of trying to move somewhat slow and trying not to end up breaking my heart and his if things don't work out. I don't want to get his families hopes up either. And I told him I might be willing to meet his sister sometime soon. But wait to meet the family for a little while.
In my exciting and sharing with mostly woman my hopes/reservations for this connection. One woman reminded me that, 'in order to fall in love one has to allow themselves to open up to being hurt.' Which is scary and true. Which goes along with the fear of letting go of the well known single roles one has had for years for me being and independent woman, good friend, aunt type. To possibly struggling to learn the new roles of girlfriend...
He was happy that when we went out his friend and me where catching up and he just sat back and listened. I asked his friend what is dating situation was, my fella was happy cause he hadn't heard much of an update. Which makes me wonder why guys sometimes are scared to ask their close friends/family what they really want to know but won't ask. Our friend recently started spending time with a young lady, at 20 yrs old can't be referred to as woman, still values her parents opinions on her life. And there is resistance to her dating our friend who is over 30 yrs old. In our conversation on the way from our hometown to the (lesser) town we are living, my observations weren't so much about her chronological age or even her emotional age. But her desires for her life in the next few years. If what most of us hope happens when we start to date someone marriage and such. My question was does this younger girl desire to be focusing on her education and career in the next 5 years or starting her family. Since we are quickly approaching the age of being older parents. I think that anyone that says that men don't have a ticking biological clock isn't realizing that men that want to be fathers want to be able to keep up and enjoy their kids as much as their partners before the major aches and pains set in. Even if physically they can pull a Charlie Chaplin and have children in their 60's and 70's.
This summer with my searching and discovering access to podcast, interviews, books and such on relationships coaching. A few concepts for the beginning of the dating came more relevant recently. Honesty openness about preferences and pet peeves are better shared with at the start opposed to later when they have turned into things that you can't stand about the person. And a big challenge for most waiting until other parts of the relationship have been established before entering into a physical relationship about 3 months. The later suggestion was made when Orna and Matthew Walters hosted at Love on Purpose Series and interviewed Marni Battista and Nicole Johnson.
That concludes a few of my realizations and my shift in perspective on dating/relationships. Sending best hopes and prayers out there for my readers in what ever stage of attachment you find yourself in and that you are constantly seeking new ways to make sure your relationship is more fulfilling all around.
