Feb 2nd, 2012
Last night I found out that my mother, Marylee, died this morning at the Adventist Hospital in Puerto Princesea, Philippines (little time zone humor there).
I was comforted in knowing that she was released from this discomfort of her body and confusion of her mind. Even a little relieved that she was in PH, where a few days hospital visit is probably a third of the cost of the US.
She passed on the day after her 69th birthday. Her caring, funny, brash nurse, Cindy, was with her at the end. A few days prior Cindy had taken Mom to the hospital because she wasn’t coughing up phlegm from a cold. The doctors kept her and placed her in ICU to monitor her because of her other diseases. She died from diabetic acidosis, description on http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/diabeticacidosis.htm. Basically her diabetes could no longer handle her all of her meds.
I knew that when Mom went to live in PH about 7 years ago she had 5-10 years left. She was on lithium to control her bipolar disorder for about 10 years when I was growing up. Lithium is great for the bipolar brain, but takes a toll on the liver and kidneys.
She came into the world two months premature in the 1943. Mawise told me the story many times how the doctor didn’t believe her when she said she was in labor and therefore Mom was delivered by my grandfather in their North Hollywood home. Wisely he left the umbilical cord attached. At the hospital they kept my Mom in the linen closet since she hadn’t been born in the sterile hospital environment. My mom is referred to as baby M in a medical journal somewhere. A Scottish Doctor was in California doing research on the percentage of oxygen given to premature infants. Many were ending up blind and deaf from being given a higher percentage of oxygen. I knew that since she came into this world early she would depart from it a little early as well.
She spent the last 7 years living a stress free life, as my Uncle Tom would say. In the Philippines she was away from the cold winters of Colorado that she didn’t like. She was happy and needed away from the memories of losing her parents in Nov 2002/ Jan 2003. In Palawan they would often go out to one of Cindy’s family farms when the weather was nice and there weren’t too many brown outs (black outs) so in the summer season. Mom was able to walk the grounds and there were always little children around to be entertaining and sometimes rub her feet.
She did return to Colorado annually the first few years she was in PH, but then her visits became less frequent. When she did come to the states a highlight was visiting Cindy’s daughter, Gigi, and her growing family on a reservation in AZ near the four corners area. Mom very much enjoyed being around Cindy’s grandchildren. Gigi’s husband, Josh, a missionary pastor baptized Mom again during one of her visits.
Twice I visited my mother in PH. Christmastime 2005 and for Mother’s Day 2010. Both trips I saw how well Cindy took care of my mother and why Mom enjoyed the beautiful place with its warm people. Cindy took Mom off of most of her anti-depressants because she didn’t need them any more she was no longer haunted by the memories of Fort Collins and she had the excitement to new friends that created a new family for her. On my first trip there I got word that my great-aunt Virginia passed away, she had spent time in the Philippines when she was in the Navy. We are a family of extensive travelers.
My question now is how do I, a life-after-loss coach, cope having a new grief in my life? I may hire a mentor to help me through. But because of the transformation I have experience in my life in the past two years in coming to coaching and receiving training for becoming a coach and being coach. I am in a much different place than I was the last time a family member died, my aunt Karen about two years. I was actually with my cousin Amber and her kids when I got the news that Mom had actually passed away. Amber had already lost both of her parents by the age of 27. She is the perfect person to understand what it is like to be under the age of 35 with no parents left.
Over the last year it occurred to me that in many ways I lost my mother a long time ago. I didn’t have the adult parent/child relationship which many of you probably have with your parents. If I was lucky the visits were 1-2 years apart. And hopefully I would be able to talk to her briefly on the phone every other month. There were times that I didn’t talk to her or Cindy for 4-5 months. She was no longer an active person in my life. Someone that I occasionally worried about I was relieved that she was happy over there and I didn’t have to visit her in a nursing home every few weeks. Which would have been the reality had she stayed in Fort Collins. Truth be told I feel bad for her caregiver Cindy, they were with each other every day for the last decade.
The last chat I had with Mom was in December. I was surprised how long she stayed on the phone usually I didn’t talk to her for more than 5 mins. But we chatted for a while and she asked about people in my life and I told her about our family and my new fella. She told me how X-mas presents were going to be open at New Years because of the rains.
I guess that is the tribute I wanted to give my mom right now. I will post more and pictures as I continue on my journey of healing.
I am very thankful that this is the first death that I don’t have to endure on my own, Don, is a wonderful understanding man who recently has experience a few familial loses. We played rummy last night it was the fun I need. And as always I have supportive friends and family.
