Obervations on Dating after 30

About a month ago I 'reconnected' with a guy I went to high school with online. He actually took me homecoming one year. In our conversations this past weekend he and I made some interesting observations I feel comfortable to share with you out there. Also we meet one of his friends also from HS for drinks one night and his friends dating situation also added interesting thoughts.

Mind you I don't feel like any of my thoughts aren't new or earth shattering but new perspective is brought because of my personal connection to these situations. Two things bug me about dating online. I still get the notifications from the website so many guys simply check out my profile and passively click the 'like to meet' button. Dude, 'if you are really THAT interested' take 30 sec pick out something in my profile to make a comment on and send me a message. (No, the guy I'm dating didn't do that he sent me a 'remember me from high school...' message).  Part of this might be laziness, they really aren't that interested or fear of rejection.

My other pet-peeve is the amount of information that is often shared via online. The set up make you click on relationships vs. dating to weed the serious people from the hook-up types. And other invasive questions like income, desire for family, religion etc. I believe it is strange to know these details before the first date many of which aren't even 'proper' 3rd date topics. What fun is the first date if there is that much pressure on the future? I know that there are certain things that are nice to know going in. But if the profile doesn't meet a person's perfect mate list and they don't make the cut can the potential couple me missing out on a opportunity for dating and possibly more.

'My fella' (very cautious to write that since we might still be a few weeks away from having one of the more important conversations). His profile was very honest he wants what many people our age wants a family. 5-10 years ago you can causally date someone and since the clock hasn't started really ticking and even though the couple is interested in each other they may not yet be viewing the person across the table as a potential spouse and potential parent to one's future offspring. The analogy my fella used this weekend was that both of us have our own gas and brake (right now we are driving completely separate cars). If he pushes on either too fast it might scare me away and lurch the car in an unintended direction. And if the lines of communication aren't properly open or the person revels 'deal-breaker.' You might find your self once again driving down the singles road all alone. I believe that maturity and past 'baggage' hopefully teaches all of us a better way to be with the next person across the table.

This weekend when he told me he wanted me to come to his mother's Christmas party, I was relieved when I told him I already had another X-mas party to go to that afternoon in December (which was the truth). That was a little too much on the gas petal for me. In efforts of trying to move somewhat slow and trying not to end up breaking my heart and his if things don't work out.  I don't want to get his families hopes up either. And I told him I might be willing to meet his sister sometime soon. But wait to meet the family for a little while. 

In my exciting and sharing with mostly woman my hopes/reservations for this connection. One woman reminded me that, 'in order to fall in love one has to allow themselves to open up to being hurt.' Which is scary and true.  Which goes along with the fear of letting go of the well known single roles one has had for years for me being and independent woman, good friend, aunt type. To possibly struggling to learn the new roles of girlfriend...

He was happy that when we went out his friend and me where catching up and he just sat back and listened. I asked his friend what is dating situation was, my fella was happy cause he hadn't heard much of an update. Which makes me wonder why guys sometimes are scared to ask their close friends/family what they really want to know but won't ask. Our friend recently started spending time with a young lady, at 20 yrs old can't be referred to as woman, still values her parents opinions on her life. And there is resistance to her dating our friend who is over 30 yrs old. In our conversation on the way from our hometown to the (lesser) town we are living, my observations weren't so much about her chronological age or even her emotional age. But her desires for her life in the next few years. If what most of us hope happens when we start to date someone marriage and such. My question was does this younger girl desire to be focusing on her education and career in the next 5 years or starting her family. Since we are quickly approaching the age of being older parents. I think that anyone that says that men don't have a ticking biological clock isn't realizing that men that want to be fathers want to be able to keep up and enjoy their kids as much as their partners before the major aches and pains set in.  Even if physically they can pull a Charlie Chaplin and have children in their 60's and 70's.

This summer with my searching and discovering access to podcast, interviews, books and such on relationships coaching. A few concepts for the beginning of the dating came more relevant recently.  Honesty openness about preferences and pet peeves are better shared with at the start opposed to later when they have turned into things that you can't stand about the person. And a big challenge for most waiting until other parts of the relationship have been established before entering into a physical relationship about 3 months. The later suggestion was made when Orna and Matthew Walters hosted at Love on Purpose Series and interviewed Marni Battista and Nicole Johnson. 

That concludes a few of my realizations and my shift in perspective on dating/relationships. Sending best hopes and prayers out there for my readers in what ever stage of attachment you find yourself in and that you are constantly seeking new ways to make sure your relationship is more fulfilling all around.

Where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

I had a surprise encounter with my former Pilates instructor last night.  Totally kismet I wouldn't have spontaneously meet up with her if I hadn't decided to unexpectedly go and get some frozen yogurt in Fort Collins before heading back to Greeley.


She had her two sons with her, a 3 yrs old and a 10 months old. Being a mother of two young children her attention was often diverted from our conversation while making sure that her energetic toddler was in her sight. She turned to me and stated, 'it is wonderful having children but so tiring.' I have heard this many times from many mothers, especially those of young children. 

When I was driving home I had an elated sense. Motherhood is a craving that occasionally comes over me. Over the last year I knew of about 9 women who had babies. I definitely felt outside of the club wondering if motherhood is something that I ever will have the opportunity to experience.


The interesting thing that I noticed in my drive home was gratitude for the place I my life that I find myself. Free no children interrupting my thoughts, no husband to check with before I go places. How my time is my own.  I'm not neglecting anyone by focusing on my clients or school work.  And how grateful I am to be making this transformation in my life into the new career of life coaching, which comes with it the challenge of returning to school. And how much easier it is for me to accomplish this new part of my life while I have the freedom of a single person. It was a wonderful feeling that came over me to be satisfied with exactly where I am with my life.

This poor attempt at poetry a direct result of a brief annoyance with a co-worker and watching 'Bright Star' about John Keats and his love. I will admit the feelings brought about were a bit of back sliding to my previous harmonious state, but that is to be expected on a path of self-development. 

‘What is this social disease of singleness?

Ridicule, teasing, disguised by wishfulness of a time gone by for those bound to another. 

A threat for not bending to the world view of the ‘most important thing.’

I possess love in other ways the love of a friend, the love of a fun aunt, love of family.

Sometimes the love of a listening ear to a new acquaintance or roommate.

Are these loves diluted less important?

If I had romantic love I fear they would fall by the wayside. And they have been there for me always why should I trade them in.

I know they feed into my soul in ways a lover could not.

Why trade? For a chance and happiness and an equal chance at heartache, or a very least moments of discontent.

I wonder if I seem desperate cause I don’t feel that way.

Am I something of fiction a woman content enjoying the freedom of being single (after 30).

For the singleness may not last for much longer.’

New Appreciation

As I was riding my bike to work last week I realize how much less depressed I have been lately. I think there are several contributing factors. For a long while I simply just accepted the depression as a constant battle that I had something that would ebb and flow in and out of my life. Even now I do occasionally fear its return someday.

I attribute my better mood to God leading me in to the path of coaching. Diving more into the coaching process learning about it, being coached, and coaching others. I think this has given me tools to help me process stressors in my life more effectively. I am comfortable in my singleness.  I don’t feel lonely anymore and I have a confidence that God will bring a partner into my life soon, but when the time is right. Working with a relationship coach and reading ‘Fearless Loving’ by Rhonda Britten there are several activities that have increased me confidence and caused imagine that being in a relationship.

I think the meditation and exercise and losing weight and feeling better and more energy in my body has also increased my outlook. I have noticed just in the recent weeks that I am a bit calmer at work. I snap at my co-workers less, I take criticism easier. There a still little complaints but they are pretty minor and don’t stress me out too much. Maybe that is because the semester is so close to the end.

Another one of my greatest accomplishments has been keeping a budget. It has not been easy but I haven’t had any overdraft fees since December, which I consider a great accomplishment. Allotting myself cash to use through out the month for different things has really helped. And not going out to eat and reducing my clothes shopping. Really thinking about purchases and what I need before buying.

Overall I am very happy with the changes and shifts in perspective I have made in my life, and had a positive outlook on my future. It is an energizing place to be.

Wanting what you wish for...

Just a quick observation before I fall asleep.  I think too often we are vague with our wishes into the universe or even our prayers to God. 'I want...' And then we get what we were wishing for and it doesn't look ANYTHING similar to our expectation we are very disappointed maybe even angry. The question that I pose is what if when wishing or praying we be very specif. 

Often being granted what we wished for and is sometimes aggravating or a complete dud (if it comes to us at all).  This has happened in the past to me when I prayed for a job. But didn't say exactly what I needed to be happy at work. Or  recently a friend of mine got a dog, he as unaware of maybe some of the behavior issues the dog had prior to it's adoption. Now the money has been invested and the dog has become attached to the family. But if perhaps when putting out the desire to have a dog he could have considered the attributes that he would want in a pet.

Now that I think about it this concept actually worked for me concerning my current job. I put out the desire for job where there is respect within the kitchen, and that had benefits the bonus that I have is PTO. 

I am trying to better understand and implement the 'Law of Attraction' into my own life.

Getting Clients Relection

My thoughts a few days after my 'Getting Clients' module (class):

This class kind of gave me new vigor in what I really need to do to get clients in the short term to complete my course objectives and in the long term for my business. I speaking with my friend this evening I mentioned that I am continually realizing that there many people in my area that I am connected with who could become potential clients. When driving this week a business name came to me. There are many people that I know that can help me on the more technical and legal aspects.

At first when I started classes I really like learning the theories. And kind of thought that I needed to complete all my classes before doing the scary thing and commenced coaching and even scary to have the idea of my own business (even though that is my goal from the start). Now with my ICA training and my coach and my desire to grow, listen to blogs and gain confidence. I feel like I have renewed energy to truly pursue all that I need to make a successful business. And I feel as sense of calm knowing that ICA will help me with the speed bumps along the way and knowing that I am developing my own skills to cope with challenges in a new way.

Even today at work even though don’t have my 30 sec elevator speech perfected. I was able to answer precisely my co-workers ‘so what is the difference between coaching and counseling?’

Now as I almost fall asleep at my computer I wish for the spinny thing in Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban) that allowed the wearer to repeat an hour or two in the day. Maybe then I could get done all that I want to accomplish. Hoping all is well with you and yours, till next time. 

Tired of hiding in FB

 Finally this morning I had enough of trying to hide the truth in FB. I wanted to not be friends with my current co-workers but I did. Then I didn’t want to put anything on my profile/bio about the life coaching thing. A ICA graduate Tabitha friended me and I said, ‘f**k it.’  I wasn’t going to be friends will ICA people but this is ridiculous not use something as huge as fb for all the potential it brings to my networking. Just because I am scared that my current supervisor might find out and so what if she does. Striving to sublimate my income isn’t something she can criticize me for especially when she knows what I make. And that I don’t live in a dual income household.  And I despite my frustration over my finances, I take responsibility for choosing my current career. For weeks I have felt like 2 different people. The cook and the coach student and frustrated that I can’t share with my co-workers my excitement over my coach training. Sure I shared with a few cause I can’t keep a secret. And ‘No’ I am not going to run in to work and tell my supervisor about my schooling. But if she finds out oh well. Since realistically I will be coaching PT for a few years. I plan on working there for a while.

On fb I took it a step further than just friending fellow coaches. I changed my profile to include ICA and put my blog in my profile. It feels very liberating but at the same time a little scary. But moving past our fears my favorite aspect of coaching.