Tabitha begins, “I want to teach you the same process I’ve followed. I want you to transform your grief. I want your life to be better because they lived, not worse because they died. I want you to live a happier, healthier, more meaningful life in tribute to your loved one so that you too can thrive loss.”
I know that those that I grieve for want me to live life to the fullest. And in resent years I have really struggled with the memories of them as happy memories from my past, without bring up all of the feelings of sorrow for those people. For much of my adult life I have avoided living in my home town cause of the memories the place holds. Even now I have chose to live about 45 min away and visit regularly.
‘Stop doing all the busy unnecessary things. Stress chemicals affect your concentration and can cause you to feel more tired than usual. It also makes it easier for you to make mistakes,’ Tabitha Jayne.
When stressed a work, sometimes brought on my a tough time of the year the holidays. I get tunnel vision so focused on one task it is hard for me to see what else is going on and hard for me shift my focus to what is important especially at work.
These past 10 years there have been times of slowing down and times of moving fast. Often I am looking for the next thing/place to move to. My adventures have been a way for me to escape home and those I lost there but also avoid the work that needed to be done. Somehow I always brought my loved ones along with me. Finding comfort in the fact that in death they seemed to travel with me easier. I felt their presence with me real or imagined it gave me great comfort, even though I could no longer call them on the phone.
I remember my trip to New Zealand in 2007. One of the reasons why I had chose to go to New Zealand was in looking over some of my grandparents travel mementos I found that they had gone to Christchurch. Plus from what I could tell New Zealand was a safe place for a woman to travel on her own. One of my last nights there I was having a nice dinner at this winery on Waiheke Island. As I sat there having my nice meal probably half reading a book as I gazed out into the island darkness. I imagined my grandparents and really my grandmother being there and sharing this time with me. I wondered how different the island nation was when they visited it if they saw similar things that I had seen. As dessert came by a couple perhaps in their 40’s or older invited me to their table. Clearly feeling sorry for me all by myself. It was nice of them and I think being in a foreign country sometimes people tend to be friendlier around strangers. But strange that they pitied me even though I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself at all. I had just been reflecting on this great trip I got to take. And the freedom I had to do what I wanted to most days with no one else agenda on conflict with my desires.
For whatever reason I have never had a problem with going and doing things on my own, and I even struggle to understand people that say ‘oh I can’t go to a restaurant or movie alone.’ If there is something or place that I really want to experience I won’t wait around for someone else to go and do it. Recently I have started to see the disadvantage of this logic and strive to when I can invite a friend along so that I can share time and my cultural interests with others.
“Contrary to popular belief there are no stages of grief. Research shows instead that we spend time moving back and forth between a more introspective, emotional, thinking about the deceased, looking at photographs, etc stage and an adapting to our new life, redefining our roles, learning new skills and distracting ourselves from grief stage.”
A little disappointing I had always enjoyed and found comfort in those ‘stages.’ However 'acceptance' i the 'final stage.' But even after we have accepted a death it doesn't mean that magically we are over it the pain can at times continue for a long time after allowing us to remember and struggle to be free of the sorrow. Every year at the holidays I like to be busy with work or traveling or anything to keep my mind off of wishing for family gatherings with those who are long gone. I simply brace myself for it and try not to be too grouchy or sad to my friends and co-workers. And I know that those 6 weeks will pass quickly and then there is a bright New Year as my reward for getting though those weeks.
As I am writing this I am realizing how much I want to be free of that attitude. No time of my life or time of year should just be something to cope with and hope it is over quickly. Fortunately I have bout 9 months to alter my no so jolly holiday attitude.
“A lot of our beliefs are actually invalid and make no sense. Whilst they make us feel more comfortable in the world they can sometimes encourage use to have a limited viewpoint about our life and actually hold us back. This is especially true about our beliefs on loss.”
I think sometimes I attach to much value to what those I have lost believed about me the good and the bad. My grandmother’s words about my weight stuck with me a long time. I blamed much of my weight gain on the losing my father. A cliché as it sounds I was only able to transform my body after I had truly accepted it and even liked it figuring that it was wrong to loathe me who God created. Only after that was I able to change my body in a positive way. I do believe that there are many other things that I have done in my life that would make my grandmother proud of me aside from loosing weight. I have often reminded myself that the memories of our loved ones thoughts and feelings towards us are only as small part of the wisdom and time we spent with them. And any pain they may caused us in their lives was probably unintentional because they were acting out of their own insecurities. I like to imagine that any negative words towards me died with them.
How can I creatively express my loss?
My photography was a direct result of my loss since I got some of my Dad's photography equipment, mostly I just inherited the bug. And now my new career, I have hopes to make grief coaching one of my niches.
A word of advice to anyone sorting through family members belongs, don't keep too much. I discovered that 5 years after I had decided to save things from my parents and grandparents homes I just ended up getting rid of half of it. If you find a way to preserve the pictures and memories and stories they will never be gone and they aren't their belongings. Added bonus you will have more storage space.
I would love to hear from my readers how you have been creative or accomplished things due out of your loss.
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