Where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

I had a surprise encounter with my former Pilates instructor last night.  Totally kismet I wouldn't have spontaneously meet up with her if I hadn't decided to unexpectedly go and get some frozen yogurt in Fort Collins before heading back to Greeley.


She had her two sons with her, a 3 yrs old and a 10 months old. Being a mother of two young children her attention was often diverted from our conversation while making sure that her energetic toddler was in her sight. She turned to me and stated, 'it is wonderful having children but so tiring.' I have heard this many times from many mothers, especially those of young children. 

When I was driving home I had an elated sense. Motherhood is a craving that occasionally comes over me. Over the last year I knew of about 9 women who had babies. I definitely felt outside of the club wondering if motherhood is something that I ever will have the opportunity to experience.


The interesting thing that I noticed in my drive home was gratitude for the place I my life that I find myself. Free no children interrupting my thoughts, no husband to check with before I go places. How my time is my own.  I'm not neglecting anyone by focusing on my clients or school work.  And how grateful I am to be making this transformation in my life into the new career of life coaching, which comes with it the challenge of returning to school. And how much easier it is for me to accomplish this new part of my life while I have the freedom of a single person. It was a wonderful feeling that came over me to be satisfied with exactly where I am with my life.

This poor attempt at poetry a direct result of a brief annoyance with a co-worker and watching 'Bright Star' about John Keats and his love. I will admit the feelings brought about were a bit of back sliding to my previous harmonious state, but that is to be expected on a path of self-development. 

‘What is this social disease of singleness?

Ridicule, teasing, disguised by wishfulness of a time gone by for those bound to another. 

A threat for not bending to the world view of the ‘most important thing.’

I possess love in other ways the love of a friend, the love of a fun aunt, love of family.

Sometimes the love of a listening ear to a new acquaintance or roommate.

Are these loves diluted less important?

If I had romantic love I fear they would fall by the wayside. And they have been there for me always why should I trade them in.

I know they feed into my soul in ways a lover could not.

Why trade? For a chance and happiness and an equal chance at heartache, or a very least moments of discontent.

I wonder if I seem desperate cause I don’t feel that way.

Am I something of fiction a woman content enjoying the freedom of being single (after 30).

For the singleness may not last for much longer.’

New Appreciation

As I was riding my bike to work last week I realize how much less depressed I have been lately. I think there are several contributing factors. For a long while I simply just accepted the depression as a constant battle that I had something that would ebb and flow in and out of my life. Even now I do occasionally fear its return someday.

I attribute my better mood to God leading me in to the path of coaching. Diving more into the coaching process learning about it, being coached, and coaching others. I think this has given me tools to help me process stressors in my life more effectively. I am comfortable in my singleness.  I don’t feel lonely anymore and I have a confidence that God will bring a partner into my life soon, but when the time is right. Working with a relationship coach and reading ‘Fearless Loving’ by Rhonda Britten there are several activities that have increased me confidence and caused imagine that being in a relationship.

I think the meditation and exercise and losing weight and feeling better and more energy in my body has also increased my outlook. I have noticed just in the recent weeks that I am a bit calmer at work. I snap at my co-workers less, I take criticism easier. There a still little complaints but they are pretty minor and don’t stress me out too much. Maybe that is because the semester is so close to the end.

Another one of my greatest accomplishments has been keeping a budget. It has not been easy but I haven’t had any overdraft fees since December, which I consider a great accomplishment. Allotting myself cash to use through out the month for different things has really helped. And not going out to eat and reducing my clothes shopping. Really thinking about purchases and what I need before buying.

Overall I am very happy with the changes and shifts in perspective I have made in my life, and had a positive outlook on my future. It is an energizing place to be.

Wanting what you wish for...

Just a quick observation before I fall asleep.  I think too often we are vague with our wishes into the universe or even our prayers to God. 'I want...' And then we get what we were wishing for and it doesn't look ANYTHING similar to our expectation we are very disappointed maybe even angry. The question that I pose is what if when wishing or praying we be very specif. 

Often being granted what we wished for and is sometimes aggravating or a complete dud (if it comes to us at all).  This has happened in the past to me when I prayed for a job. But didn't say exactly what I needed to be happy at work. Or  recently a friend of mine got a dog, he as unaware of maybe some of the behavior issues the dog had prior to it's adoption. Now the money has been invested and the dog has become attached to the family. But if perhaps when putting out the desire to have a dog he could have considered the attributes that he would want in a pet.

Now that I think about it this concept actually worked for me concerning my current job. I put out the desire for job where there is respect within the kitchen, and that had benefits the bonus that I have is PTO. 

I am trying to better understand and implement the 'Law of Attraction' into my own life.

Getting Clients Relection

My thoughts a few days after my 'Getting Clients' module (class):

This class kind of gave me new vigor in what I really need to do to get clients in the short term to complete my course objectives and in the long term for my business. I speaking with my friend this evening I mentioned that I am continually realizing that there many people in my area that I am connected with who could become potential clients. When driving this week a business name came to me. There are many people that I know that can help me on the more technical and legal aspects.

At first when I started classes I really like learning the theories. And kind of thought that I needed to complete all my classes before doing the scary thing and commenced coaching and even scary to have the idea of my own business (even though that is my goal from the start). Now with my ICA training and my coach and my desire to grow, listen to blogs and gain confidence. I feel like I have renewed energy to truly pursue all that I need to make a successful business. And I feel as sense of calm knowing that ICA will help me with the speed bumps along the way and knowing that I am developing my own skills to cope with challenges in a new way.

Even today at work even though don’t have my 30 sec elevator speech perfected. I was able to answer precisely my co-workers ‘so what is the difference between coaching and counseling?’

Now as I almost fall asleep at my computer I wish for the spinny thing in Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban) that allowed the wearer to repeat an hour or two in the day. Maybe then I could get done all that I want to accomplish. Hoping all is well with you and yours, till next time. 

Tired of hiding in FB

 Finally this morning I had enough of trying to hide the truth in FB. I wanted to not be friends with my current co-workers but I did. Then I didn’t want to put anything on my profile/bio about the life coaching thing. A ICA graduate Tabitha friended me and I said, ‘f**k it.’  I wasn’t going to be friends will ICA people but this is ridiculous not use something as huge as fb for all the potential it brings to my networking. Just because I am scared that my current supervisor might find out and so what if she does. Striving to sublimate my income isn’t something she can criticize me for especially when she knows what I make. And that I don’t live in a dual income household.  And I despite my frustration over my finances, I take responsibility for choosing my current career. For weeks I have felt like 2 different people. The cook and the coach student and frustrated that I can’t share with my co-workers my excitement over my coach training. Sure I shared with a few cause I can’t keep a secret. And ‘No’ I am not going to run in to work and tell my supervisor about my schooling. But if she finds out oh well. Since realistically I will be coaching PT for a few years. I plan on working there for a while.

On fb I took it a step further than just friending fellow coaches. I changed my profile to include ICA and put my blog in my profile. It feels very liberating but at the same time a little scary. But moving past our fears my favorite aspect of coaching.

Reflections on 12 Tips to Tranform Grief and Trive Loss by Tabitha Jayne

While looking around the ICA bulliten board under the topic of Grief Coaching I found Tabitha Jayne. I watched her youtube video and wanted to know some more about her ideas so I requested a copy of her '12 Tips to Tranform Grief and Trive Loss.' I wanted to share with you some of my reflections about her work. If you would like to request a free full copy of the Tips please visit her website at www.tabithajayne.com. 

Tabitha begins, “I  want  to  teach  you  the  same  process  I’ve   followed.    I  want  you  to  transform  your  grief.    I  want  your  life  to  be  better   because  they  lived,  not  worse  because  they  died.    I  want  you  to  live  a   happier,  healthier,  more  meaningful  life  in  tribute  to  your  loved  one  so   that  you  too  can  thrive  loss.”

I know that those that I grieve for want me to live life to the fullest. And in resent years I have really struggled with the memories of them as happy memories from my past, without bring up all of the feelings of sorrow for those people. For much of my adult life I have avoided living in my home town cause of the memories the place holds. Even now I have chose to live about 45 min away and visit regularly. 

‘Stop  doing  all  the  busy   unnecessary  things.  Stress  chemicals  affect  your  concentration  and  can  cause  you  to  feel  more   tired  than  usual.    It  also  makes  it  easier  for  you  to  make  mistakes,’  Tabitha Jayne.

When stressed a work, sometimes brought on my a tough time of the year the holidays.   I get tunnel vision so focused on one task it is hard for me to see what else is going on and hard for me shift my focus to what is important especially at work. 

These past 10 years there have been times of slowing down and times of moving fast. Often I am looking for the next thing/place to move to. My adventures have been a way for me to escape home and those I lost there but also avoid the work that needed to be done. Somehow I always brought my loved ones along with me. Finding comfort in the fact that in death they seemed to travel with me easier. I felt their presence with me real or imagined it gave me great comfort, even though I could no longer call them on the phone.

I remember my trip to New Zealand in 2007. One of the reasons why I had chose to go to New Zealand was in looking over some of my grandparents travel mementos I found that they had gone to Christchurch.  Plus from what I could tell New Zealand was a safe place for a woman to travel on her own. One of my last nights there I was having a nice dinner at this winery on Waiheke Island. As I sat there having my nice meal probably half reading a book as I gazed out into the island darkness. I imagined my grandparents and really my grandmother being there and sharing this time with me. I wondered how different the island nation was when they visited it if they saw similar things that I had seen. As dessert came by a couple perhaps in their 40’s or older invited me to their table. Clearly feeling sorry for me all by myself.  It was nice of them and I think being in a foreign country sometimes people tend to be friendlier around strangers. But strange that they pitied me even though I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself at all. I had just been reflecting on this great trip I got to take. And the freedom I had to do what I wanted to most days with no one else agenda on conflict with my desires.

For whatever reason I have never had a problem with going and doing things on my own, and I even struggle to understand people that say ‘oh I can’t go to a restaurant or movie alone.’  If there is something or place that I really want to experience I won’t wait around for someone else to go and do it. Recently I have started to see the disadvantage of this logic and strive to when I can invite a friend along so that I can share time and my cultural interests with others.

“Contrary  to  popular  belief  there  are  no  stages  of  grief.    Research  shows   instead  that  we  spend  time  moving  back  and  forth  between  a  more   introspective,  emotional,  thinking  about  the  deceased,  looking  at   photographs,  etc  stage  and  an  adapting  to  our  new  life,  redefining  our   roles,  learning  new  skills  and  distracting  ourselves  from  grief  stage.”

A little disappointing I had always enjoyed and found comfort in those ‘stages.’ However 'acceptance' i the 'final stage.' But even after we have accepted a death it doesn't mean that magically we are over it the pain can at times continue for a long time after allowing us to remember and struggle to be free of the sorrow. Every year at the holidays I like to be busy with work or traveling or anything to keep my mind off of wishing for family gatherings with those who are long gone. I simply brace myself for it and try not to be too grouchy or sad to my friends and co-workers. And I know that those 6 weeks will pass quickly and then there is a bright New Year as my reward for getting though those weeks. 

As I am writing this I am realizing how much I want to be free of that attitude. No time of my life or time of year should just be something to cope with and hope it is over quickly. Fortunately I have bout 9 months to alter my no so jolly holiday attitude.

“A  lot  of  our  beliefs  are  actually  invalid  and  make  no  sense.    Whilst  they   make  us  feel  more  comfortable  in  the  world  they  can  sometimes   encourage  use  to  have  a  limited  viewpoint  about  our  life  and  actually  hold   us  back.    This  is  especially  true  about  our  beliefs  on  loss.”

I think sometimes I attach to much value to what those I have lost believed about me the good and the bad. My grandmother’s words about my weight stuck with me a long time.  I blamed much of my weight gain on the losing my father. A cliché as it sounds I was only able to transform my body after I had truly accepted it and even liked it figuring that it was wrong to loathe me who God created. Only after that was I able to change my body in a positive way. I do believe that there are many other things that I have done in my life that would make my grandmother proud of me aside from loosing weight. I have often reminded myself that the memories of our loved ones thoughts and feelings towards us are only as small part of the wisdom and time we spent with them. And any pain they may caused us in their lives was probably unintentional because they were acting out of their own insecurities. I like to imagine that any negative words towards me died with them. 

 

How  can  I  creatively  express  my  loss?  

My photography was a direct result of my loss since I got some of my Dad's photography equipment, mostly I just inherited the bug. And now my new career, I have hopes to make grief coaching one of my niches.  

A word of advice to anyone sorting through family members belongs, don't keep too much. I discovered that 5 years after I had decided to save things from my parents and grandparents homes I just ended up getting rid of half of it. If you find a way to preserve the pictures and memories and stories they will never be gone and they aren't their belongings. Added bonus you will have more storage space.  

I would love to hear from my readers how you have been creative or accomplished things due out of your loss.